Boundary

Boundary
– A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line
– A limit of a subject or sphere of activity

Everyone creates lines, imaginary lines.

Recently I have found myself drawing a number of lines, making a conscious effort to create boundaries. Not to keep people out, ok well maybe a little bit, but more out of self protection. The most important line we draw for ourselves are the ones that separate us from the people that we work with. History has told me to not get too familiar, to not make friends, but that’s a line that is often crossed.

It is required that we create boundaries between us and the rest of the world. People are inherently messy, life is messy. So we must create lines. You draw imaginary lines in the sand and hope like hell that no one crosses them.

The interesting thing about work is, you end up meeting different people through it. And often these people aren’t people that you just work with and they become more. Sometimes friends and sometimes more than that. We each have different personas that we need to protect. Like I said, you draw lines.

But what happens when the line gets blurry?

I met someone, through work, with a bunch of mutual connections and a path that I knew I’d cross a number of times again. From the first encounter it was clear that it could go a number of ways, the safe route of let us just walk away and keep things clean or let’s just get in and complicate this.

Spoiler alert – it didn’t stay clean. Cardinal rules were broken. It’s gotten very complicated.

Let’s see what happens and then we can work around it was the master plan. To be honest, I don’t remember what the thought process was and in hindsight I do wonder if I would’ve done things differently given what’s transpired. However I digress. Lines got very blurry, rules were put in place to keep things as clean cut as possible but once things get grey it’s pretty difficult to switch back to black and white.

Where to now? Each day provides a different challenge and it’s been an insane roller coaster of emotions and I find myself questioning if it’s worth it but the one thing I know is this person has exposed me to a different life – different form of relating, communicating and inherently living. Boundaries should protect us but not limit us from experiencing pleasures. I’m just not sure if there are some lines that should just never be crossed.  Life can be wasted drawing lines and keeping people out or you can live your life crossing them.

I’ve heard if you’re willing to take the chance the view from the other side is spectacular. I can only say that the jury is still out as to whether crossing these lines will be worth it in the end. Here’s to hoping…

xx

 

 

Trust

Trust
– Firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something

Years to earn
Seconds to break
Forever to repair

I would like to sit here and say I don’t trust too easily but this year has once again shown me that I do.
Positive: I’ve learnt to recognise the impending fall out and get the hell out of the way.  Nobody has time for that in their life

It’s important to always keep your head up and your heart open, do the right thing and the right people will come along.  This is not always true.  But rather than sit here and talk about tales of mistrust and broken friendships I feel that there is a more important lesson.

As we all get older, life feels shorter and time is more precious.  There’s less time for drama and little tolerance for unimportant people and things.  As we all get older we start to learn from our experiences and can stop ourselves from falling in the way that we used to.  Rather than putting all the trust in other people we learn to trust ourselves.  You get to a point where deep down you realise you already know the truth.

It’s ok to walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes.  Without explanation or trying to make sense of it.  Trust in what you feel…  I sit here about to make one of the biggest decisions of my life, unsure of whether I take the plunge or I continue.  Everyone has their opinion and despite how much I trust those other people I realise that I my own answer should come from within…

So what’s the decision…

“A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not on the branch but on her own wings.  Always believe in yourself”

On that note… it’s with my wings that I think i’ll go…

xx

 

Closure

Closure
– A psychological term that describes an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity

Have you ever been in a situation where something has happened and you just can’t work out why, what or how? You continuously feel the need to talk about it to understand what is going on and it just isn’t or can’t happen. It is beyond frustrating.

Time and time again it comes back to control for me. I can only control the way in which I react and what I do. There’s no way to get a person to speak if they don’t want to or open up to what is going on in their head and how something has just made them feel. So you sit, wait and hope that they will open up at some point. You cannot control another individual and they, more often than not, do not deal with said situation in the same way that you do. 

People get closure their own way… each and every time. So what happens when you need someone else to help give you closure and they just won’t?

I’ll tell you what happens – nothing – you end up just feeling like hell. Spiralling in one way or another…. It’s not fun. 

In a past relationship I remember spending weeks, months trying to figure out what happened and what they were thinking. It got me nowhere. With a background in analytics I read into every word, revisited past conversations and text messaging threads trying to see if I could pick up anything – a little morsel of an explanation. Questioning and regretting things that were said and done – but would it have changed anything? I’ll never know. What I do know though, is that there is little to no point in doing that. It’s happened – you can only do one thing. Move on and it’s up to you as to how long you’ll continue to let it affect you. I’ve lost so much time in that process but recently as I’ve come to terms with the aspect of control and learning to live in a state of the unknown I’ve let the need for answers go (just a little bit – but hey it’s progress).

I met someone not long ago – upon first instance I was immediately attracted however given the circumstances that we’d met in, it was clear that nothing could or would happen. Hell, I definitely did not think that the interest was mutual and I’m still shocked it was. After having a lot of fun enjoying each other’s company and just living in the moment the dark cloud of our initial circumstances reappeared. It’s funny how sometimes in the light of day things seem so different. Now I’m sitting here wanting to talk about what I’m thinking and feeling to ensure that we’re both on the same page or at least have a mutual understanding.

But him… Not so much. Wanted to deal with it alone and in a way avoid the situation altogether. This drove me insane. I sat there thinking for someone who said they couldn’t detach, he was doing a damn good job of switching off. Yet I sat there, rewinding and replaying… there’s nothing I’d do differently – or is there? Questions went through my mind and that’s when I realised I’m probably not going to get answers to any of this. So what next? I reached out a few times but got little to no response (this pissed me off so much) and that’s when I realised that perhaps I wasn’t honest with myself and had realised I’d gotten in a little deeper than I should’ve.

Game plan? Move on… How?…. No freaking clue… I started to distract myself and decided that the only choice I had was to do my own thing… I was not going to get answers and there would be no aversion from this state of ambiguity. Rather than levelling up to a status of anxious I decided that I just needed to switch off. Do my own thing and hope and pray he’d come around…

This wasn’t normal for me but it has worked. I had a few moments of feeling like hell but then it just got better. I did hear from him (much later) but by then I had returned to a state of ‘normal’ and realised that the key to getting through all this was acceptance. Accepting that things couldn’t be changed, first and foremost but then also accepting that I could do nothing except deal with my own stuff and sometimes dealing is accepting the unknown and just getting on with it.

As I sit here and write this – it’s not lost on me that the name for my blog is Silent Ambiguity and I am brought back to why I started this blog – to try and make sense of the ambiguity in my life – well that is my life. Perhaps though, it’s not something that can be made sense of or understood – there are no answers… it’s simply about acceptance and realising that closure is a thing of the mind… you’ll never actually shut a door but rather realise maybe it’s not the room you’re supposed to be in.

xx

Empower – ed

Empower
– Give (someone) the authority or power to do something

We’ve all been lost.  We’ve all been found.  It’s happened more than once and it will happen once again. I’ve made bad choices, been broken, rebuilt only to get hurt once again and then heal. Enough is enough. It’s time to take a different road, a new approach and see what happens.

What does this mean?

Normally I would say fly – get on a plane and leave – see what else is out there and experience different things.  Blame it on my gypsy soul, she says.

This time I’m sticking around despite my opportunities to flee and knowing that I have the freedom and liberty to do so.  I’m thankful every day that I have been fortunate to live in a country that gives me such freedoms and a passport that is welcomed in most places around the world (with little to no forethought).

This time I’m doing things differently, you see I’ve learnt that feeling broken and sad is a mental thing.  I’m not bleeding (not physically anyway) and I’m not without anything… it’s just in my head.  I wish I could remember these things when I was feeling that way and not just when I’m on the flip side writing about it.

This time not giving other people the power to affect my thoughts, rather this time I am working on myself  – here and now.  There’s no need to run away and take the time out to myself because at some point or another we all have to come back here.  There’s no guarantee that the environment will be different but I know I will be.

Michael Jordan once said ‘Obstacles don’t have to stop you.  If you run into a wall, don’t turn around and give up.  Figure out how to climb it, go through it or work around it’.

And I’m going to do it right here… no passport required.

xx

 

Timing

Timing
– the choice, judgement, or control of when something should be done
– a particular point or period of time when something happens

In a world where everything is so fast paced, I’m often finding myself running from one place to another or living the complete extreme of sitting at home and doing nothing.  When I take the time to stop and evaluate what’s going on around me I’m not feeling either of those two options – constantly on the move or completely shut down.  But that is what life has become and it’s what has become my socially conditioned norm – awesome right?

I turned 29 a few weeks ago – I’m not sure if I wrote about it or whether I published my thoughts, however it happened.  It was inevitable.  Prior to turning 29 I had a MASSIVE freak out – I was nearly 30.  Forget that I was just turning 29, in my head I could only think about turning 30 (next year no less) and I had not done half of the things that I wanted to do.  I had a very similar freak out last year (and the year before) – all about turning 30 by the way.  In actual fact I spent so much of my 27th year living too far into the future that when I actually turned 28 I felt I got a bonus year because I spent the prior year already stressed out that I was 28 – when I wasn’t. Back to my freak out – it happened – and it was all centred around not doing al the things that I wanted to do in life, not being where I expected to be in life and feeling like there was so much I wanted to do and I was constantly running out of time.  It drove me absolutely crazy but luckily it happened the week before so that I actually was able to enjoy my 29th birthday.

As I’ve reflected back on the last couple of weeks, I’ve had quite a few surprising little opportunities come up (predominantly around work and travel) that would help me get to where I want to be but all at the cost of other things.  Admittedly they are things I’m willing to forgo but I’ve just been so unsure, not about whether I’ve wanted them but around the timing.  I’ve realised…

It’s all about the timing…

Everything in life is about the timing.  It’s taken me awhile to get to this place as I’m such an anxious person but as I sat waiting for my morning bus I was watching this elderly woman fret about how late the bus was.  She kept pacing up and down the street and muttering under her breath… I could see on the GPS locator on my phone that the bus was coming and it would be awhile so I just sat and waiting.  I watched her frustration and her annoyance … realising that is me… about my life …not the bus… but about my life…and all I could think of was wow…

What’s the hurry?  You’ll get there when you get there…

All I can do for myself is show up on time and the rest will just happen if it’s meant to happen and when it’s meant to happen.

Epiphany….

Since the lady at the bus stop and my realisation – which to be quite honest isn’t completely new to me – I’ve really started to slow down, take note of what’s going on around me and stop trying to be in such a hurry to get to my next destination. People keep telling me it’s all about the journey and not the destination and I get it, it’s how you get there not when and it will eventually happen. Naturally my, little but beautiful, mind starts to wander again and I think about all the things that I want that aren’t in my life and I start go stir crazy but I keep finding my centre and bringing myself back to this little gem:

“Don’t try to rush it. If you get it too soon you won’t have it for long. Timing is everything, wait until it’s right”

xx

Perspective

Perspective
– a particular attitude towards or way of regarding something; a point of view.

I’ve done quite a bit of travelling since I hit my mid-twenties and I have been blessed enough to experience a lot of things that most people my age have not and see things that most people never get the ability to see. For that in itself I am truly grateful and recognise how blessed I am. This weekend, I took some time out and really chilled for some much needed me time – don’t listen to anyone who tells you that being alone is a bad thing, sometimes it’s exactly what you need in life – I spent the weekend indulging in some home cooked food (for the soul), doing some scrapbooking (this sounds way lamer than it actually is) and also taking a trip down memory lane – looking over old photographs.

I took my first solo trip in 2011 where I hopped around Europe – it’s an Australian rite of passage – it was a trip centred on figuring me out but also experiencing what it was like to be spontaneous and just go with the flow. As every 20 something does in Europe I went from city to city, eating, partying, meeting new people, partying, dancing, experiencing the culture, dancing on tables, learning the languages and did I mention partying… it was amazing. I also took a million photos and discovered my passion for being behind the camera instead of in front of it. My time in Europe was extravagant and completely amazing – I’d never trade it in for the world, but oh wow if only I knew then what I know now, would things be different!
Going through these photos over the weekend I was nostalgic, wishing what it would be like to be 25 again and experiencing those things for the first time. I also managed to take a step back, realise how far I’d come in that time and how much I’d changed as a person.

In 2013, I took the plunge and travelled solo again – this time through Asia and due to various new influences in my life I did it a little bit differently. I still went from city to city, eating, meeting new people, experiencing the culture and learning the language but this time my experience was much more introspective (there was barely any partying as well). I learnt more about myself and began to shed the layers of skins I’d amassed over the years – protective layers. The photos I took in Asia were very different to the ones in Europe – there were less people, more landscapes and a lot of cultural things. Looking back I feel that this testament to another big change in my life – indicative of another perspective on life. I sat on the weekend longing for the simplicity of my Asian adventure, waking on in the morning with little to nothing, having no expectations of what the day would hold or the need to fulfil the expectations of others. It was all so simple and despite being alone I always felt fulfilled.
Since returning home towards the end of 2013, I’ve realised that since I started travelling I have more or less spent the good part of the last four years unlearning the things, ideas and perceptions of life that I had grown up with.

Side Note = “Nothing will ruin your 20s more than thinking you should have your life together already”

My perspective changed. And it’s changed dramatically. As a person who is big on having control, I’ve learnt through my travel that there is a lot in this world that I cannot control. The one thing I can control is the way in which I handle things – all of which are dictated by my perspective on the situation. When things happen it’s my perspective that deems how I end up feeling about the situation.

So last weekend, when I stepped back and chilled out – the aforementioned alone/me time – I readjusted my perspective. As you take a photo, you look around, put your eye to the lens, focus and then you shoot… if required you readjust your lens and focus until you capture exactly what you see…and then you move on. In life sometimes, you need to do the same thing, step back, look around – reflect, evaluate, readjust the lens and then shoot – move on and experience what is waiting for you next.

Things will always happen, some of which are not nice. You can choose to feel victimised or you can rise above it and see it as a challenge to grow – it’s all a matter of perspective. When I started this week, my perspective had changed, things were always going to come at me and there will always be people who will not agree with me or choose to have an issue for whatever reason…how I deal with it, how I left it affect me is on me…

How do you want to see the world?

Authentic

Authentic
– true to one’s own personality, spirit or character.

 I am a self-confessed handbag and shoe addict.  I am more than aware of my problem and I have come to terms with it, in fact I have spent the last two years proactively working on the problem and trying to tone down my addiction (I’m doing pretty well at it too).  The thing that makes this an actual problem used to be a quantity thing, I’d just buy so much stuff that I did not need.  I started working in a really stressful job where my hours were mental and I would often need big splurges to give me a sense of euphoria, control and a little buzz.

Enter stage right… Prada, Louis Vuitton and old faithful Chanel. Three names that you could never go wrong with.

My rationale behind spending thousands of dollars and often more than a month’s pay on purses and shoes was – “Hey, I’ve worked my ass off, I’m going to buy me some arm candy”.  I had no personal life so it was liberating to know that I could do it on my own and not need a man to buy me anything.  21st century liberties right! It all worked in my head… at the time.

What has never worked for me are fakes, rip offs, counterfeit goods and basically copies of luxury arm candy.  Pieces of constructed ‘leather’ and other materials sewn together to try and mimic something else and about 10% of the price – seriously – what the hell?  Obviously all of this is made possible by the consumers who willingly buy these goods at a fraction of the cost.

Now I love designer goods because to me they represent something more than just being a status symbol.  I feel that if you are carrying something like that you’ve worked for it, you’ve earned it or you just really like nice things.  I don’t judge anyone based on what bag they are carrying or if their shoes had red soles and I can’t imagine that other people would. So why do people feel the need to carry fakes? What is the underlying reason behind them carrying knock off goods?

Are they trying to be something they are not?  Are they purporting an image that is not them?  And if that’s the case what does it say about the person inside them and how they feel about themselves?

The journey that has been my life has focused a lot on the notion of acceptance and authenticity in the last 18 months.  When I returned from travelling, or rather whilst I was travelling year ago, I grappled with the concept that I was a fraud.  I had unintentionally created this image that I was a princess, I was a girly girl and all about the shoes, make up and bags.  Well I wasn’t… I love my shoes and bags but that was pretty much where my effort started and ended.  What I did love was fashion… I had so much stuff and an unnecessary attachment so I spent the last 18 months ridding myself of all that.  And in the process I feel that I have shed so many layers, not walls or boundaries, but layers of complexity on my personality that used to shield the person I was from the outside world.  So now the person I present is inherently me… the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty and most of all the crazy, fun and honest.  I am my authentic self.  I don’t believe in perfection and never have and totally embrace the fact that I am one perfectly flawed individual…

So the lesson here is… be yourself… don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, because you know what – you may put a bunch of labels on yourself and people will believe it for a little while, but eventually true colours come out.  You can study and read as much as you want – but until you start living the life and experiencing it, you’re really nothing but a student!

And p.s for all those who aren’t ok with who you are and living your life… in the wise words of another Tiger woman – Ms Marilyn Monroe:

“Take me as I am or watch me as I leave”

I know I bring enough to this table so I’m never scared to be eating alone….

xx