– A psychological term that describes an individual’s desire for a firm answer to a question and an aversion toward ambiguity
Have you ever been in a situation where something has happened and you just can’t work out why, what or how? You continuously feel the need to talk about it to understand what is going on and it just isn’t or can’t happen. It is beyond frustrating.
Time and time again it comes back to control for me. I can only control the way in which I react and what I do. There’s no way to get a person to speak if they don’t want to or open up to what is going on in their head and how something has just made them feel. So you sit, wait and hope that they will open up at some point. You cannot control another individual and they, more often than not, do not deal with said situation in the same way that you do.
People get closure their own way… each and every time. So what happens when you need someone else to help give you closure and they just won’t?
I’ll tell you what happens – nothing – you end up just feeling like hell. Spiralling in one way or another…. It’s not fun.
In a past relationship I remember spending weeks, months trying to figure out what happened and what they were thinking. It got me nowhere. With a background in analytics I read into every word, revisited past conversations and text messaging threads trying to see if I could pick up anything – a little morsel of an explanation. Questioning and regretting things that were said and done – but would it have changed anything? I’ll never know. What I do know though, is that there is little to no point in doing that. It’s happened – you can only do one thing. Move on and it’s up to you as to how long you’ll continue to let it affect you. I’ve lost so much time in that process but recently as I’ve come to terms with the aspect of control and learning to live in a state of the unknown I’ve let the need for answers go (just a little bit – but hey it’s progress).
I met someone not long ago – upon first instance I was immediately attracted however given the circumstances that we’d met in, it was clear that nothing could or would happen. Hell, I definitely did not think that the interest was mutual and I’m still shocked it was. After having a lot of fun enjoying each other’s company and just living in the moment the dark cloud of our initial circumstances reappeared. It’s funny how sometimes in the light of day things seem so different. Now I’m sitting here wanting to talk about what I’m thinking and feeling to ensure that we’re both on the same page or at least have a mutual understanding.
But him… Not so much. Wanted to deal with it alone and in a way avoid the situation altogether. This drove me insane. I sat there thinking for someone who said they couldn’t detach, he was doing a damn good job of switching off. Yet I sat there, rewinding and replaying… there’s nothing I’d do differently – or is there? Questions went through my mind and that’s when I realised I’m probably not going to get answers to any of this. So what next? I reached out a few times but got little to no response (this pissed me off so much) and that’s when I realised that perhaps I wasn’t honest with myself and had realised I’d gotten in a little deeper than I should’ve.
Game plan? Move on… How?…. No freaking clue… I started to distract myself and decided that the only choice I had was to do my own thing… I was not going to get answers and there would be no aversion from this state of ambiguity. Rather than levelling up to a status of anxious I decided that I just needed to switch off. Do my own thing and hope and pray he’d come around…
This wasn’t normal for me but it has worked. I had a few moments of feeling like hell but then it just got better. I did hear from him (much later) but by then I had returned to a state of ‘normal’ and realised that the key to getting through all this was acceptance. Accepting that things couldn’t be changed, first and foremost but then also accepting that I could do nothing except deal with my own stuff and sometimes dealing is accepting the unknown and just getting on with it.
As I sit here and write this – it’s not lost on me that the name for my blog is Silent Ambiguity and I am brought back to why I started this blog – to try and make sense of the ambiguity in my life – well that is my life. Perhaps though, it’s not something that can be made sense of or understood – there are no answers… it’s simply about acceptance and realising that closure is a thing of the mind… you’ll never actually shut a door but rather realise maybe it’s not the room you’re supposed to be in.