Tick Tock

In a world where everything is so fast paced, I’m often finding myself running from one place to another or living the complete extreme of sitting at home and doing nothing.  When I take the time to stop and evaluate what’s going on around me I’m not feeling either of those two options – constantly on the move or completely shut down.  But that is what life has become and it’s what has become my socially conditioned norm – awesome right?

I turned 29 a few weeks ago – I’m not sure if I wrote about it or whether I published my thoughts, however it happened.  It was inevitable.  Prior to turning 29 I had a MASSIVE freak out – I was nearly 30.  Forget that I was just turning 29, in my head I could only think about turning 30 (next year no less) and I had not done half of the things that I wanted to do.  I had a very similar freak out last year (and the year before) – all about turning 30 by the way.  In actual fact I spent so much of my 27th year living too far into the future that when I actually turned 28 I felt I got a bonus year because I spent the prior year already stressed out that I was 28 – when I wasn’t. Back to my freak out – it happened – and it was all centred around not doing al the things that I wanted to do in life, not being where I expected to be in life and feeling like there was so much I wanted to do and I was constantly running out of time.  It drove me absolutely crazy but luckily it happened the week before so that I actually was able to enjoy my 29th birthday.

As I’ve reflected back on the last couple of weeks, I’ve had quite a few surprising little opportunities come up (predominantly around work and travel) that would help me get to where I want to be but all at the cost of other things.  Admittedly they are things I’m willing to forgo but I’ve just been so unsure, not about whether I’ve wanted them but around the timing.  I’ve realised…

It’s all about the timing…

Everything in life is about the timing.  It’s taken me awhile to get to this place as I’m such an anxious person but as I sat waiting for my morning bus I was watching this elderly woman fret about how late the bus was.  She kept pacing up and down the street and muttering under her breath… I could see on the GPS locator on my phone that the bus was coming and it would be awhile so I just sat and waiting.  I watched her frustration and her annoyance … realising that is me… about my life …not the bus… but about my life…and all I could think of was wow…

What’s the hurry?  You’ll get there when you get there…

All I can do for myself is show up on time and the rest will just happen if it’s meant to happen and when it’s meant to happen.


Since the lady at the bus stop and my realisation – which to be quite honest isn’t completely new to me – I’ve really started to slow down, take note of what’s going on around me and stop trying to be in such a hurry to get to my next destination. People keep telling me it’s all about the journey and not the destination and I get it, it’s how you get there not when and it will eventually happen. Naturally my, little but beautiful, mind starts to wander again and I think about all the things that I want that aren’t in my life and I start go stir crazy but I keep finding my centre and bringing myself back to this little gem:

“Don’t try to rush it. If you get it too soon you won’t have it for long. Timing is everything, wail until it’s right”

So that’s what I’m going to do…



– a particular attitude towards or way of regarding something; a point of view.

I’ve done quite a bit of travelling since I hit my mid-twenties and I have been blessed enough to experience a lot of things that most people my age have not and see things that most people never get the ability to see. For that in itself I am truly grateful and recognise how blessed I am. This weekend, I took some time out and really chilled for some much needed me time – don’t listen to anyone who tells you that being alone is a bad thing, sometimes it’s exactly what you need in life – I spent the weekend indulging in some home cooked food (for the soul), doing some scrapbooking (this sounds way lamer than it actually is) and also taking a trip down memory lane – looking over old photographs.

I took my first solo trip in 2011 where I hopped around Europe – it’s an Australian rite of passage – it was a trip centred on figuring me out but also experiencing what it was like to be spontaneous and just go with the flow. As every 20 something does in Europe I went from city to city, eating, partying, meeting new people, partying, dancing, experiencing the culture, dancing on tables, learning the languages and did I mention partying… it was amazing. I also took a million photos and discovered my passion for being behind the camera instead of in front of it. My time in Europe was extravagant and completely amazing – I’d never trade it in for the world, but oh wow if only I knew then what I know now, would things be different!
Going through these photos over the weekend I was nostalgic, wishing what it would be like to be 25 again and experiencing those things for the first time. I also managed to take a step back, realise how far I’d come in that time and how much I’d changed as a person.

In 2013, I took the plunge and travelled solo again – this time through Asia and due to various new influences in my life I did it a little bit differently. I still went from city to city, eating, meeting new people, experiencing the culture and learning the language but this time my experience was much more introspective (there was barely any partying as well). I learnt more about myself and began to shed the layers of skins I’d amassed over the years – protective layers. The photos I took in Asia were very different to the ones in Europe – there were less people, more landscapes and a lot of cultural things. Looking back I feel that this testament to another big change in my life – indicative of another perspective on life. I sat on the weekend longing for the simplicity of my Asian adventure, waking on in the morning with little to nothing, having no expectations of what the day would hold or the need to fulfil the expectations of others. It was all so simple and despite being alone I always felt fulfilled.
Since returning home towards the end of 2013, I’ve realised that since I started travelling I have more or less spent the good part of the last four years unlearning the things, ideas and perceptions of life that I had grown up with.

Side Note = “Nothing will ruin your 20s more than thinking you should have your life together already”

My perspective changed. And it’s changed dramatically. As a person who is big on having control, I’ve learnt through my travel that there is a lot in this world that I cannot control. The one thing I can control is the way in which I handle things – all of which are dictated by my perspective on the situation. When things happen it’s my perspective that deems how I end up feeling about the situation.

So last weekend, when I stepped back and chilled out – the aforementioned alone/me time – I readjusted my perspective. As you take a photo, you look around, put your eye to the lens, focus and then you shoot… if required you readjust your lens and focus until you capture exactly what you see…and then you move on. In life sometimes, you need to do the same thing, step back, look around – reflect, evaluate, readjust the lens and then shoot – move on and experience what is waiting for you next.

Things will always happen, some of which are not nice. You can choose to feel victimised or you can rise above it and see it as a challenge to grow – it’s all a matter of perspective. When I started this week, my perspective had changed, things were always going to come at me and there will always be people who will not agree with me or choose to have an issue for whatever reason…how I deal with it, how I left it affect me is on me…

How do you want to see the world?


– true to one’s own personality, spirit or character.

 I am a self-confessed handbag and shoe addict.  I am more than aware of my problem and I have come to terms with it, in fact I have spent the last two years proactively working on the problem and trying to tone down my addiction (I’m doing pretty well at it too).  The thing that makes this an actual problem used to be a quantity thing, I’d just buy so much stuff that I did not need.  I started working in a really stressful job where my hours were mental and I would often need big splurges to give me a sense of euphoria, control and a little buzz.

Enter stage right… Prada, Louis Vuitton and old faithful Chanel. Three names that you could never go wrong with.

My rationale behind spending thousands of dollars and often more than a month’s pay on purses and shoes was – “Hey, I’ve worked my ass off, I’m going to buy me some arm candy”.  I had no personal life so it was liberating to know that I could do it on my own and not need a man to buy me anything.  21st century liberties right! It all worked in my head… at the time.

What has never worked for me are fakes, rip offs, counterfeit goods and basically copies of luxury arm candy.  Pieces of constructed ‘leather’ and other materials sewn together to try and mimic something else and about 10% of the price – seriously – what the hell?  Obviously all of this is made possible by the consumers who willingly buy these goods at a fraction of the cost.

Now I love designer goods because to me they represent something more than just being a status symbol.  I feel that if you are carrying something like that you’ve worked for it, you’ve earned it or you just really like nice things.  I don’t judge anyone based on what bag they are carrying or if their shoes had red soles and I can’t imagine that other people would. So why do people feel the need to carry fakes? What is the underlying reason behind them carrying knock off goods?

Are they trying to be something they are not?  Are they purporting an image that is not them?  And if that’s the case what does it say about the person inside them and how they feel about themselves?

The journey that has been my life has focused a lot on the notion of acceptance and authenticity in the last 18 months.  When I returned from travelling, or rather whilst I was travelling year ago, I grappled with the concept that I was a fraud.  I had unintentionally created this image that I was a princess, I was a girly girl and all about the shoes, make up and bags.  Well I wasn’t… I love my shoes and bags but that was pretty much where my effort started and ended.  What I did love was fashion… I had so much stuff and an unnecessary attachment so I spent the last 18 months ridding myself of all that.  And in the process I feel that I have shed so many layers, not walls or boundaries, but layers of complexity on my personality that used to shield the person I was from the outside world.  So now the person I present is inherently me… the good, the bad, the ugly, the pretty and most of all the crazy, fun and honest.  I am my authentic self.  I don’t believe in perfection and never have and totally embrace the fact that I am one perfectly flawed individual…

So the lesson here is… be yourself… don’t pretend to be someone you’re not, because you know what – you may put a bunch of labels on yourself and people will believe it for a little while, but eventually true colours come out.  You can study and read as much as you want – but until you start living the life and experiencing it, you’re really nothing but a student!

And p.s for all those who aren’t ok with who you are and living your life… in the wise words of another Tiger woman – Ms Marilyn Monroe:

“Take me as I am or watch me as I leave”

I know I bring enough to this table so I’m never scared to be eating alone….


Thank You, Universe

Everything happens for a reason….

… Just believe

… Live it, love it, learn from it.  Make your smile change the world, but don’t let the world change your smile

… Things fall apart so that better things can fall together

…What doesn’t kill you makes your stronger


Quote central, right?!

The last few months have been a whirlwind of change and I can definitely say I am super happy that I have a Master’s degree which focuses a lot on change management and the ability to manage it, how to overcome resistance and best of all stress the importance of how integral it is to going forward in life.

I’ve learnt that change is constant; no matter what you choose to do change will happen around you.  There is no stopping with it.  It is not something you can control, in fact in life there is little you can control so you just need to go with the flow… or not.

Recently things have kept happening that I have no control over, none… so I am left with having to deal with it.  Fight or flight they say, but I’ve chosen to have no reaction.  The reason I have chosen to have no reaction is because I’ve come to the realisation that things happen for a reason, and they will continue to happen – I can’t control what other people do or how they act but I can choose what I do.

So rather than fighting fire with fire – everyone gets burnt… or dousing it with water – someone gets wet and put out… I’ve chosen to let things be and not let them affect me.  Not get angry, not get upset and best of all not act out.  I read this amazing quote about people who hurt others… I could choose to hurt them back or step back and try to figure out why they did what they did.  Often these answers won’t come to you – because some people are just awful and spend their lives pretending to be something they are not to hide the fact they are miserable.  I can choose to sit and waste my time trying to work it out and act out or I can just move on and live my life – by the way this is the choice I’ve made.  Things happen in life for a reason, it takes time to work out what that reason is but more often than not it leads you to something more amazing and more beautiful.  It’s not to say I don’t care, sometimes I do, but there are other times I don’t.  I just choose not to spend my life finding ways to hurt the people that have hurt me.

I’ve had some of the most amazing people come into my life, leave my life and stay in my life.  Each coming with them an amazing lesson about life and about myself, I wouldn’t change any of it for the world.  I’ve done some stupid things, some that I would never repeat in a million years but hey I’ve learnt.  I can look back on each of them and recite the lesson….

… don’t date boys who have snapchat

…when you think he’s controlling, it’s because he is…walk away…

… sometimes you just need to walk away and let things be

At the end of the day, life goes on, the right people will come into our lives and the other people will leave – let them leave, they are just making way for more of the right people to come into life.  Don’t hold onto the grudges, don’t continue trying to hurt them, it’s not worth it… it’s like taking a sip of poison and waiting for the other person to die and suffer (you’ll be the only one suffering).

It’s taken me awhile to get to this point, constant dialogue with my meditation teacher and those who have chosen to take the path I have has helped me realise this and helped deal with anger and negativity.  We are always given choices in life, you can choose something and if you change your mind you can choose again.  What you always have to remember is you have a choice, you have a choice with how you react to a situation and to a person – you have a choice to understand why things happen in life… always for a reason, but it’s up to you to make the most of it.

Always know that what is being thrown at you is happening for a reason, you will never be given more than you can handle though it’ll feel that way.  Know that whatever is happening is there to make you stronger and is given to you for a reason…. But most of all know that you have the strength to handle it and to move forward.

It only gets better from here…thank you, universe!





Goodbye 2014

They say that the only time in life that you should look back is to see how far you’ve come – and what a year 2014 has been. I look back on the past with an epic, larger than life smile on my face – so here I say thank you and good bye.

To say that 2014 started off with a bang could not be any further from the truth. 2014 was brought in quietly and sombrely, the fact I even made it there was a surprise to me. Broken and fragile I brought the year in and wanted nothing more than to just be by myself and wish that enough time would go by so that I could forget every emotion and memory. Time heals wounds… yeah I think not… enough time passes and eventually (hopefully) you forget and learn to move on. So looking back, I remember that I was a broken, fragile, shadow of my former self both figuratively and physically…and now well… I feel empowered, invigorated, the best form of myself that I have ever been and so ready to take on whatever is in store for me. Let’s do this 2015…

So what changed? Where do I start?

“Just Breathe”

I spent the start of the year just surviving. Day by day, step by step, breath by breath. I found myself in so many moments where I just had to take a step back and say ‘Just breathe’, whether it was someone who pissed me off, something that brought back a memory or just anything, those two simple words and that concept was what kept me alive – literally.

Returning to yoga and taking time out for myself helped me get in touch with what was going on. Having the awareness to ‘just breathe’ and take a step back saved me from getting myself into so many situations – from reacting really. Such a fundamental concept that we often take for granted, reminding yourself to just breathe takes you back into the moment and separates you from the situation so you can really monitor, face and watch your emotions pass you by and stop you from reacting to an emotion.

“Let it Go”

To quote, Elsa from Frozen – Let it go, let it go…

February took me back to my roots yet again. Sydney, I love you but you were too much, too soon for me on my return and assimilating to my old life was not as easy as I thought it would be. On a plane and back to Sri Lanka… to a place in the hills known as Nilambe Meditation Retreat after a few days in Nuwara Eliya and World’s End. A weekend of trekking and playing in nature was exactly what the doctor ordered and to finish it off with a week in a meditation centre away from everything, no electricity and no communication with others was bliss.

To this day I will say that this place saved my life, I was able to find my centre and take the time out to focus on myself. I recommend that every person regardless of your spiritual or religious background take up meditation and take the time to get in touch with your inner self. Nilambe brought me back to my roots – the lessons I learnt about Buddhism as a child but have somehow forgotten along the way. Nilambe taught me the importance of self-acceptance, understanding emotions, causes for suffering but most importantly got me on the path to learning how to let go. Let go of attachment, of desire and most of all self-hatred. Forgive yourself, learn to love and create distance from situations because the more you hold onto something the more you end up hurting yourself, not anyone else.

Let it go and set yourself free – Thank you Nilambe (and you too Elsa)

“Being strong doesn’t always mean you have to fight the battle. True strength is being adult enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high”

April saw my 28th birthday (one that I never thought I’d get to, this time last year), a renewed affirmation to being true to myself, starting again and to making this year count. I can proudly say that 28 you’ve come with a lot of lessons but you’ve been one of the best years of my life so far.

I was suffering through a lot of work drama so I resigned. I was ready to pack it all up and leave – don’t get me wrong I’m not a quitter normally, but sometimes you just need to know when to walk away and enough was enough. This was by far one of the best decisions of my life… initially 28 was meant to be about putting me first and doing what I needed to do, a lot of this pertained to my personal life but by quitting my job I was catapulted into a completely different direction career wise. I learnt to back myself, back my skill and the fact that I know I can get things done. If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s hard to get others to believe in you. Walking away and giving up doesn’t mean you’re weak – maybe there is just something better out there for you.

You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it. How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.

As a self-confessed control freak it’s very hard to understand that you can’t control everything, especially other people. 2014 had me meeting a lot of people who were very different to me, some in a good way, others great and then there were the not so fun. Despite trying to be kind and keep an open heart always some people just don’t want a bar of it and will continue to treat others badly. And you know what – that is on them.

I learnt that I will no longer pay the price for the insecurities of others, but just because they act a certain way it does not mean I will stoop to their level and act like them.

I cannot control them but I can control how I behave – i.e when a guy kicks you out of his house for not wanting to sleep with him, it’s not on you.. it’s on them (note to self: also never date a guy who uses snapchat). If your gut tells you he’s a control freak, walk away because no one should ever make you feel like you’re not worthy.

After keeping to myself for a really long time after falling for someone who was clearly not for me, I could’ve sat and wallowed like I did before but this time I’ve learnt to pick myself up, not react to them but just move on for myself.

Be thankful…#blessed

Most of all 2014 has taught me the meaning of being thankful and helped me understand how blessed I am. Through everything that I have been through I have been supported by amazing family and friends. I was able to take yet another step back and realise how lucky and fortunate I am for all my blessings – most of all my parents and my brother who have stood by me through the thick, thin, beautiful and ugly. Thank you to my friends, old and new – the people who’ve been there for me for many years before this one, the ones who left and made space for the new souls to enter my life both near and far. Happiness has truly come from being thankful for everything I have and for seeing the blessings in the small things.

I have absolute faith that whatever happened has happened for a reason and I am so thankful that it has brought me here… I know in my heart and soul that I am exactly where I’m meant to be.

2015 I cannot wait to see what you have in store for me… let’s do this…


Silent Ambiguity

I took a step back today. I’m trying to find my feet and voice again so I went back to the beginning. I want to ensure I never stray too far from my roots…

This is my space to break my silence.

They lied when they said ‘words will never hurt me’. They do. They are inextricably linked to actions and sometimes are more hurtful. Emotions are difficult to deal with and often need to be expressed. But not always to the people you feel them towards.

This is my space to make sense of my ambiguity.

Responses to situations need to be lined with thought and devoid of irrationality. I find difficulty in separating my logic and emotion. I am often misunderstood. My honesty is often interpreted badly. Life is confusing. Interactions with people are filled with uncertainty. I am often consumed with self doubt. But I don’t understand why.

This is my space to be myself.

There is nothing remarkable about who I am, what I do or where I am going except that it is my journey. Growing up is never easy, nor is it complete or achievable on one’s own. We make choices that change the course of our lives and I need space to discuss and express them even if no one else is listening. But I am not here to justify myself.

This is me… today…


I’ve never been a Mean Girl and I will never be a Mean Girl.  It’s just not in my DNA.  I’m sure that in the depths of my soul I can bring it out but I just see no need.  So why is it that other girls have that on as their default?

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a couple of weeks now but every time I try I avoid it like the plague and then later on I try and recall where my head was at but it’s all disappeared. Avoidance, selective memory – call it what you will, but today it’s back and it’s here to stay.

Ten years ago I finished high school and embarked on the real world.  The years of playground politics and bitchy high school students ruled by their hormones were over.  To be quite honest I wasn’t really exposed to that growing up despite the fact I went to an all girls’ private school in Sydney.  You know those inspirational quotes about females who work to empower other women, support and nurture them etc… well that’s what my girlfriends were like.  Don’t get me wrong we were all somewhat competitive but it was healthy competition, not driven out of envy or jealousy.  We worked together so as a collective we all looked good.  This extended not only academically but in our personal lives as well.  Each one of my girlfriends were stunningly beautiful in their own right, all unique and had different things to offer and together we were united and always there to help each other.  This was my high school experience and no we were not the mean girls either, we just all did our thing and accepted one another.

Turns out that my high school experience is not what tales are made of nor was it a realistic depiction of what was yet to come.  At the young age of 17 I took my first corporate job at a hotel chain.  Life was fun – we worked hard and we played hard.  It was just the culture of the organisation, everyone was young and just starting out.  I made two amazing friends whilst I was there, both of whom were a good 3 – 4 years older than me but they have been everlasting.  They transitioned into my group of highschool friends so easily and it was like we’d all grown up together.  I stayed at that company for a few years and then moved on but we’ve stayed friends, best friends actually.  We’ve known each other through a lot.

Now cut to the last 5 years – for the first time in my life I am exposed to this ‘Mean Girls’ culture and for the life of me I cannot understand it.  Everything that goes on there is always an undercurrent of bitchiness and the need to exercise superiority by excluding others and I just cannot make heads nor tails of it.  I thought with age and as people are further from highschool the playground politics dissipate.

No… they just get worse.

In recent years there has been a growing existence of the term ‘frenemy’ – apparently this is the making of corporate culture… women in the corporate world.  My last three jobs have brought my face to face with these kind of people.  A frenemy is a perfectly composed amalgamation of the words ‘fr(iend) and enemy which refers to someone who pretends to be a friend but is actually an enemy otherwise known as a wolf in sheep’s clothing or my favourite, Satan in disguise. These people are toxic – their poisonous venom once circulating through your mind is like a nuclear bomb in your brain and heart.  At my latest job, females are few and far between so naturally I thought they’d work together and want others to hang out with.

Wrong yet again.

It seems like the less females there are the more frenemy like they all behave.  You couple jealousy, insecurity, immaturity and an overall sense of fear and inadequacy and that is what the culture is breeding.  Never have I ever felt like an outsider until I started working at this organisation.  There is this abnormal competition for the affections of the few semi decent males here and for the admiration from the senior executive team.  I am all about letting my performance speak for itself but in this organisation in order to get through a day and appease the rollercoaster which is a day in the life of most females in the company I have to throw in a comment about how lovely one’s hair looks or weight loss. It feels forced and unnatural.  I have worked on a better approach of trying to be genuinely interested in the calamity that is their lives (first world problems) or try and be a good girlfriend because I have been so blessed to have the angels I have grown up with but this is still not enough. Some of these people despite your best efforts still continue to exclude and just be overall bitches for the sake of it.  I have now come to accept the fact that they just DO NOT like me and I can finally stop trying to make an effort.

Sorry but my gripe is not over…as the thing that gets to me the most is that throughout life I have been taught to treat others with kindness and I have never been one of those girls who exclude others.  I try and smile as much as possible and when there is someone new I make sure I talk to them because it’s not fun being the newbie but apparently these courtesies are not practiced by the general population. As children when you have something like people excluding you or stealing your toys happen to you, you can sit and cry… but as a grown up, how are you supposed to deal with it? 

Do I continue to be nice and get a dagger in my heart every time I am excluded from a group event?  Do I start inviting them out?  Or do I just choose to give up and let bitches be bitches and play that at their own game?  I just don’t know.