They say that the only time in life that you should look back is to see how far you’ve come – and what a year 2014 has been. I look back on the past with an epic, larger than life smile on my face – so here I say thank you and good bye.
To say that 2014 started off with a bang could not be any further from the truth. 2014 was brought in quietly and sombrely, the fact I even made it there was a surprise to me. Broken and fragile I brought the year in and wanted nothing more than to just be by myself and wish that enough time would go by so that I could forget every emotion and memory. Time heals wounds… yeah I think not… enough time passes and eventually (hopefully) you forget and learn to move on. So looking back, I remember that I was a broken, fragile, shadow of my former self both figuratively and physically…and now well… I feel empowered, invigorated, the best form of myself that I have ever been and so ready to take on whatever is in store for me. Let’s do this 2015…
So what changed? Where do I start?
I spent the start of the year just surviving. Day by day, step by step, breath by breath. I found myself in so many moments where I just had to take a step back and say ‘Just breathe’, whether it was someone who pissed me off, something that brought back a memory or just anything, those two simple words and that concept was what kept me alive – literally.
Returning to yoga and taking time out for myself helped me get in touch with what was going on. Having the awareness to ‘just breathe’ and take a step back saved me from getting myself into so many situations – from reacting really. Such a fundamental concept that we often take for granted, reminding yourself to just breathe takes you back into the moment and separates you from the situation so you can really monitor, face and watch your emotions pass you by and stop you from reacting to an emotion.
“Let it Go”
To quote, Elsa from Frozen – Let it go, let it go…
February took me back to my roots yet again. Sydney, I love you but you were too much, too soon for me on my return and assimilating to my old life was not as easy as I thought it would be. On a plane and back to Sri Lanka… to a place in the hills known as Nilambe Meditation Retreat after a few days in Nuwara Eliya and World’s End. A weekend of trekking and playing in nature was exactly what the doctor ordered and to finish it off with a week in a meditation centre away from everything, no electricity and no communication with others was bliss.
To this day I will say that this place saved my life, I was able to find my centre and take the time out to focus on myself. I recommend that every person regardless of your spiritual or religious background take up meditation and take the time to get in touch with your inner self. Nilambe brought me back to my roots – the lessons I learnt about Buddhism as a child but have somehow forgotten along the way. Nilambe taught me the importance of self-acceptance, understanding emotions, causes for suffering but most importantly got me on the path to learning how to let go. Let go of attachment, of desire and most of all self-hatred. Forgive yourself, learn to love and create distance from situations because the more you hold onto something the more you end up hurting yourself, not anyone else.
Let it go and set yourself free – Thank you Nilambe (and you too Elsa)
“Being strong doesn’t always mean you have to fight the battle. True strength is being adult enough to walk away from the nonsense with your head held high”
April saw my 28th birthday (one that I never thought I’d get to, this time last year), a renewed affirmation to being true to myself, starting again and to making this year count. I can proudly say that 28 you’ve come with a lot of lessons but you’ve been one of the best years of my life so far.
I was suffering through a lot of work drama so I resigned. I was ready to pack it all up and leave – don’t get me wrong I’m not a quitter normally, but sometimes you just need to know when to walk away and enough was enough. This was by far one of the best decisions of my life… initially 28 was meant to be about putting me first and doing what I needed to do, a lot of this pertained to my personal life but by quitting my job I was catapulted into a completely different direction career wise. I learnt to back myself, back my skill and the fact that I know I can get things done. If you don’t believe in yourself, it’s hard to get others to believe in you. Walking away and giving up doesn’t mean you’re weak – maybe there is just something better out there for you.
You can’t change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it. How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
As a self-confessed control freak it’s very hard to understand that you can’t control everything, especially other people. 2014 had me meeting a lot of people who were very different to me, some in a good way, others great and then there were the not so fun. Despite trying to be kind and keep an open heart always some people just don’t want a bar of it and will continue to treat others badly. And you know what – that is on them.
I learnt that I will no longer pay the price for the insecurities of others, but just because they act a certain way it does not mean I will stoop to their level and act like them.
I cannot control them but I can control how I behave – i.e when a guy kicks you out of his house for not wanting to sleep with him, it’s not on you.. it’s on them (note to self: also never date a guy who uses snapchat). If your gut tells you he’s a control freak, walk away because no one should ever make you feel like you’re not worthy.
After keeping to myself for a really long time after falling for someone who was clearly not for me, I could’ve sat and wallowed like I did before but this time I’ve learnt to pick myself up, not react to them but just move on for myself.
Most of all 2014 has taught me the meaning of being thankful and helped me understand how blessed I am. Through everything that I have been through I have been supported by amazing family and friends. I was able to take yet another step back and realise how lucky and fortunate I am for all my blessings – most of all my parents and my brother who have stood by me through the thick, thin, beautiful and ugly. Thank you to my friends, old and new – the people who’ve been there for me for many years before this one, the ones who left and made space for the new souls to enter my life both near and far. Happiness has truly come from being thankful for everything I have and for seeing the blessings in the small things.
I have absolute faith that whatever happened has happened for a reason and I am so thankful that it has brought me here… I know in my heart and soul that I am exactly where I’m meant to be.
2015 I cannot wait to see what you have in store for me… let’s do this…