Alone in my slumber

It’s getting unbearable again. Last night my mum slept with me while I cried and cried as we prayed. Leave it in God’s hands they say. All I want is to be in a temple praying daily with the monks in the hope my mind will clear and something will click. But apparently that is running away.
I’ve taken another day off work and keep reciting the first verse of the pirith when it gets bad but still I lay here.
Consumed with anger that he hasn’t blinked an eye or turned back. That feeling he felt never happens to him he said but he walks away so easily without thought or anything.
Everything about him was a lie but I still hold on. And to what?!
Everyone says I’m holding onto the negative and that’s why I’m sinking. Fake it till you make it maybe. Perhaps I’ll try that tomorrow and block everyone out….until then I’m going to lie here in the hopes I will wake up and something will be different.

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