I choose …

‘Work keeps our minds active; it keeps us out of trouble’
It’s amazing how much TV is starting to make me think these days. I’ve always got something on in the background when I’m doing stuff and lately I have been having Grey’s Anatomy on repeat because I love the quotes and the way it relates to life. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting these past few months; the planets are in retrograde and apparently that is what is meant to be happening. Things will be moving slowly and I should be taking this time to evaluate my life – definitely something I have been doing.
As I’ve been going through my writing and just reflecting on everything that’s going on, I have been so much more aware of my thoughts, my actions and my feelings. They are consumed with negativity, anger and pain. These are things that I am trying my hardest to move from. My mind is beyond impoverished that I manage to focus on all these awful things rather than count my blessings which is what I want to be spending my energy on and this is where we begin to cut to today.
7 months ago I came back from travelling. I had seen so much of the world and experienced things that I never ever thought I would. I came back heartbroken and I felt more lost than before I left. I was confused and bewildered by everything around me and I had lost the focus I had. So I did the only thing I knew how to do, I went straight back into studying (trying to) and into looking for a job (one that I found quickly).
I started working in the hope that when my mind would be active I would find a way to move on and to find my focus again… this was the plan and it seemed logical at the time. It had been a method that got me through some of the hardest times before… I got a job, yes it was a backward step (many backwards steps) but it was an opportunity to have a work life balance – something I’d been wishing for.

‘When we’re not working our hands are idle and the devil will find work for idle hands to do’
I started working. The work was mindless and I was losing my mind. My hands continued to be idle so I process improved… I fixed and fixed and fixed. But no amount of fixing my outside environment could fix me. Exams came and went – I passed (a miracle) and then I continued to work. Slowly I started to regain my personal life. I made friends at work and started to learn how to socialise again. It was a struggle because drinking was no longer something that agreed with me but I tried. It was nice to meet someone that understood me and didn’t think all my yoga and meditation talk was crazy; someone who didn’t try to change me and accepted my beliefs and practices as they were.
I was sceptical because of everything that happened with Sheep and that whole incident has scarred me for life. But she’s definitely been someone who’s stuck by my side and brought out the best in me. I will never forget the night we first hung out after work, it was January 10th and on my way home I remember writing that for the first time in such a long time I was opened up and that I could feel myself going back to the other me, the me that was happy and always out there and social. Over time I managed to open up and share stuff that I’d gone through with no judgement it was nice. It’s been the only thing that kept me going and made my job ok to go back to. My hands were working but still my mind was wandering. I sincerely thought that by being in a routine and rejoining society that I would be ok and I would find my focus again. I would find my place in life and find where I was meant to be, but still my mind was idle.

‘And when you have an idle mind that is the devil’s playground too’
Push came to shove, my work was unsatisfying, it was just a place to spend 8 hours of the day and it just felt like longer and longer as days went on. So I went to meditation… and that opened up my mind. It taught me about stillness and about how I treated myself. I needed to value myself because if I didn’t then no one else would.
My mind was being taken over by the devil. I was the devil. I was ruining myself.
Plagued by self-doubt, I was letting the insecurities of others affect me. I couldn’t draw a line between myself and everything that was going on around me. I took everything personal and felt that everything and everyone was trying to get me. Another private hell.
After much deliberation about the above and looking at how the last few months have been travelling today I finally made a choice. I chose to abdicate the devil and the misery and to choose something else. After months of going through everything I have, after setting off to meditation I finally have learnt that above everything is me. Sometimes in life it’s ok to be selfish and to choose me.
So today I chose me. I chose happiness and I resigned.
I had a friend not the one I’ve talked about above (my McYogi) but another one who was disappointed in my choice to leave and chose to be unsupportive. This hurt me more than I expected but I was steadfast in my choice. During the day I told McYogi and she reminded me of how everyday she sees me and see my frustration and rather than listening to him and where he was coming from she reminded me that each day I was sad and I wasn’t giving up and quitting but in fact I was choosing myself and I was being brave to make that choice and go forward to start the next chapter of my life.
They say happiness is a choice and let me tell you it’s true.
We have so much power in our minds. We create our own reality because reality is a state of the mind. If you want to be happy, if you want to keep the devil away and keep your mind active you need to make the right choices.
So today I say goodbye to the devil and his idle state. Goodbye to misery and self-doubt. And I welcome happiness, diligence and confidence. Today I make the change.

Self-doubt

Damn this jet lag. Up and 2 am and no wi fi. Went to shower… No decent water and no shower pressure. Desperate to wash my hair.
Out by 7, we’re ready to do the Horton a Plains trek and see worlds end, bakers fall and around the place. It’s a two hour drive there and it was beyond bumpy. We went through townships and the poverty was just unimaginable. Due to the hard to reach location development is near impossible and the roads are just ridiculous.
I spent most of the car trip thinking about him and our past travels and if he’d enjoy it here. Emotionally draining and it’s highest level. I can cry not just at the drop a hat but at the mention of said hat also. My fears and anxiety in relation to Nilambe are paramount and I’m concerned that it’s not the best thing for me right now – To be stuck in my own head.

Am I running away?

Early start to Nuwara Eliya this morning. Up and out by 4am to pick up Batty and then off to Hill Country. It was a nice drive I tried to stay awake through it.
It was quite sad though as Batty got two phone calls both telling her people passed away. I asked if we should head home and she said no.
She was a little bit quiet but then picked up as the day went on. I don’t know how she did it coz if that was me and the person was close I’d struggle to even continue. He’s not dead but the fact he’s disappeared is nuts for me.

I wanted to check out water falls so we went to one near our lodge. As we readied ourselves to climb this creepy guy sat down near the car. He didn’t move and it scared us all off from climbing. We decided to leave and make our way to the hotel and got lost so many times. Upon reaching the hotel the room was standard but the view was stunning. I was emotionally drained so ended up crashing out early on. He still lingers in my mind. I had thought by coming here I’d be free of it but it feels stronger than ever. Hoping for a better day tomorrow

Fleeting thoughts

Getting to 28 feels like it’ll be a miracle. Once again battling my own thoughts and feelings again

I want to stop missing him. I want to stop hoping he will email me and trying to understand where he’s been for three months. For one third of the time since we met he’s been absent. I guess it goes to show he never cared after all and it was fleeting. He’s clearly moved on

Alone in my slumber

It’s getting unbearable again. Last night my mum slept with me while I cried and cried as we prayed. Leave it in God’s hands they say. All I want is to be in a temple praying daily with the monks in the hope my mind will clear and something will click. But apparently that is running away.
I’ve taken another day off work and keep reciting the first verse of the pirith when it gets bad but still I lay here.
Consumed with anger that he hasn’t blinked an eye or turned back. That feeling he felt never happens to him he said but he walks away so easily without thought or anything.
Everything about him was a lie but I still hold on. And to what?!
Everyone says I’m holding onto the negative and that’s why I’m sinking. Fake it till you make it maybe. Perhaps I’ll try that tomorrow and block everyone out….until then I’m going to lie here in the hopes I will wake up and something will be different.

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Stuck in my head

‘I’ve got a lot going on’
‘Yeah, in your head. Just get out of it and go after what you want. That’s what I do’
‘Problem is I’ve been thinking so much I don’t know what I want’
(Carrie Diaries)

I’ve spent the last two months so caught up in my head and looking introspectively that I have no idea what it is that I want anymore. The last few weeks have been ridden with still dealing with the end of Monkey and I and watching him move on despite telling me that he couldn’t be emotionally tethered and fulfil the goals of his trip. I have spent weeks heart broken, devastated and trying to find out what was wrong with me. So many things have gone through my head, I have more or less stopped eat and turned to taking anti – depressants in a bid to try and fix what was wrong with me. Nothing. I am just going through a bad period in life. I am not broken; I do not need to be fixed. I am learning slowly after weeks of wallowing and getting my mind so worked up, to the point where my body convulses and wants to throw up, that in order for me to move on I need to be kinder to myself. Count my blessings and leave things in God’s hands. It’s not as easy as it sounds to let go and let things happen. I’m not patient and I am not kind to myself.
A few things have happened this week which all started with finding out about the Xmas and NYE plans. Plans that I had a feeling would be made but was hoping it was just my self-doubt. I have learnt to never doubt my intuition, it is always spot on.
This started the avalanche; I stopped eating and started to go crazy. Come Thursday I took the day off work and decided to see a doctor who diagnosed me with depression and put me on tablets which I started to take that night despite how anxious and sceptical I was about taking them. That afternoon I also saw a chiropractor as recommended by my fellow Tiger and mentor. That was one of the most amazing experiences in my life.
Using a technique called NET (Neuro Emotion Technique) the chiropractor was able to highlight some things that I was keeping pent up in my body. I have a massive issue with letting go and the technique is meant to aid with letting go. I pray to God that this is a permanent solution for the things that I have been holding in my body. In the first one hour session four trigger points were unveiled. Monkey, my previous ex and issues with my family that I guess I continuously hold onto.
I still decided to take the anti-depressants that night thinking that maybe I needed the additional help. I took another one on Friday but definitely couldn’t handle the side effects. I have decided not to continue with the medication because I am very frightened about something that alters my mind that much.
This weekend I also had a girl that I met in Europe come stay with me. We reminisced and we talked about the things that have happened to us over the last two years. With her she brought an amazingly positive attitude, always saying that ‘whatever happens, happens for a reason’. It was great to talk to someone and have someone that more or less forced me to get out of bed this weekend. I was also fortunate that my high school best friend implored me to get out and go out for dinner. I told her about what was going on and she snapped me back to reality. I spoke to my grown up best friend who reminded me that I deserved better and now I’m sitting home alone and writing. Counting my blessings Why I stay focused on the ONE person who doesn’t want me and forget about the dozens of people who do love me I don’t know. I’m hoping getting this out and writing about will implore me to get out of bed tomorrow and get my shit together, forget the person that’s hurt me and just move the fuck on.

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