Now I understand why you did it. Why you felt the need to walk away from your life, job, possessions and responsibilities in search of a better you.
When people come into your life, sometimes it’s for a reason, season and then some are here to stay. I’ve spent so many weeks devastated that you walked out of my life after such a short period and it’s been eating me up inside. I realise how much you opened my eyes to and why I finally need to let go.
She is the person that introduced us and essentially brought us together. I realise now that she is the reason there will always be distance. From Day 1 you said you were surprised that we were friends and I never understood it, probably because I never understood her… I never knew her… or rather I knew a different side of her. The more I got to know you, the more I found out about her and your lives. My time in your hometown raised a number of concerns for me in relation to drugs and other toxic behaviour. I couldn’t reconcile how our lives could ever mesh together. At the same time I came to the realisation her and I never meshed. But I refused to let go. I always feared getting involved with you would mean a rift in my friendship with her. Then later on I feared that dissolving a friendship with her would mean I would lose you. I tried to hold on because letting go is never easy and we had shared so much.
When I choose to bring some into the inner circle of my life, to trust them and to let them in, I don’t do it lightly. When I fall, I fall hard and open myself up as much as I can. I try to see the best in people and I don’t believe that you should only keep people in your life just because they make you happy all the time. Friendship is like a rollercoaster, you are in it for the ups and the downs. When people fall on hard times you don’t walk away because they no longer make you smile. You stay with them and you try and help them through it. Even if it hurts you in the process. I believe this is what humanity is all about.
You came into my life when I was searching for something. You were unexpected and despite hearing that you and I would hit it off I never really believed it until we did. As much as I love looking at your face it was not what I was attracted to from the start. It was your mind, your thoughts and the way you were so engaging. You are my polar opposite in so many ways. Initially I felt we were quite similar but as I’ve gotten to know you I have realised just how much of a contrast we are. Still every bit of perfection, perfectly flawed in my eyes. The first person I was completely bare to… metaphorically speaking. A mirror in which I learnt to see myself with more clarity and awareness. In hindsight I can see now that we rushed things but that is part and parcel of life. It is not something I regret because in doing so I have uncovered truths that I have been hiding from for the majority of my life.
At the time in which you ended things, you left me broken and really confused. I have struggled to pick myself up and get on with my shit. The way you moved on so quickly hurt me more than you could ever know because it highlighted how little I probably meant to you in the grand scheme of things because within weeks you were sharing yourself with someone else. I wondered why you never kept in touch and I was always chasing after you. I was never in your thoughts but you were always in mine. You condemned my supposed inability to communicate forgetting that you made yourself unaccessible to me, the person you had apparently wanted to be with and share yourself with but not with everyone else. However, the most cutting line you have ever said to me was that I never allowed you to take in all my beauty. Wrong. If anything that was the one thing I did allow you to do because my ‘beauty’ is not about my face or my body. Beauty is about having a pretty mind, heart and most importantly a soul – all the things I shared with you. It was never about me not understanding my beauty, it was about you not understanding it. After many weeks of contemplating what went wrong and replaying scenarios in my head blaming myself I can finally move away from it and realise that it was just not meant to be. Regardless of timing and space, the person I knew or thought I knew was changing and redefining themselves.
When I look back on the last couple of months and the presence you’ve had in my life, I’m no longer hurt or upset that it is over. I am beyond thankful that you came into my life and gave me the strength and the push to see things as they are and not through the murky glasses I have been looking at the world through. Your presence in my life has also taught me how to let go. The last few weeks have been fuelled with drama involving her. Repeatedly you have told me to cut it off and to let it go. I never wanted to do that because I thought I would lose you but now I realise that without doing it I am going to lose myself.
The toxicity that has become a daily occurrence in my life as a result of her and our involvement has hit a breaking point. I can no longer deal with the text messages, the subtle threats, the warnings and instructions on who I can and cannot share my life with. Her self centred nature and constant paranoia is not something I want a part of. I used to strive to be as strong and as put together as she was but now I see her for what she is. She unravels and refuses to take any accountability for her actions or assume any awareness of other people and what is going on outside of her own self. She has manifested herself into everything that I do not want to be
It is definitely time for me to let her go.
She was the reason we met and now I feel she is the reason we will always be distant.
You came into my life to make me see things differently and I will always hold that close to my heart. I understand why you are in search of something else, you are a unique breed. I hope you find the peace and quiet you are so desperately craving in order for you to be yourself and find what makes you happy.
In order for me to achieve the same kind of peace and allow myself to develop I need to make a choice. A choice to let you go because where there is you, there will always be her. I hope you find what you are looking for, the silence to let yourself be who you really want to be.